Into the Silence
by Skye Maxwell
Summary: Years after leaving Blackwood Pines behind, Josh plans to return by himself one final time. On his way to the bus station on Christmas Eve, he has a chance encounter with a fellow survivor who claims to have found religion, but nothing will stop Josh from seeking out the fate he believes he deserves.


Summary: Years after leaving Blackwood Pines behind, Josh plans to return by himself one final time. On his way to the bus station on Christmas Eve, he has a chance encounter with a fellow survivor who claims to have found religion, but nothing will stop Josh from seeking out the fate he believes he deserves.

Rated T for dark themes and holiday-ruining potential.

* * *

INTO THE SILENCE

Josh looked out of place walking down the streets of LA wearing a heavy winter coat, a thick knit hat, and snow boots on Christmas Eve. It was almost sixty degrees, and the sun was out in full force.

That combined with all the decorations felt a little too cheery for Josh, but thankfully that wouldn't be a problem where he was headed.

Where he was going, he would finally be able to escape all of the noise.

"Josh?"

The familiar voice immediately made Josh feel sick to his stomach, but he nonchalantly pushed his hands into his coat pockets and pretended he hadn't heard anything.

"Joshua Washington!" the voice called out insistently.

As a car pulled into his peripheral vision and matched his pace, Josh wondered if it would be worth the effort to make a break for it. But he was too tired for that, so he breathed out and turned to face his pursuer.

"Michael Munroe," he greeted resolutely, moving his hand in a jerky motion that was supposed to be a wave.

"Josh! It's good to see you, man!" Mike greeted cheerfully, pulling over and leaning toward the passenger side window to smile up at Josh.

"Is it?" Josh said warily, wondering if Mike had also lost his mind.

"Of course! Hey, do you need a ride?"

Josh shook his head. "Nah, I'm just going to the bus station."

Sometimes Josh would pretend it was badass that the state had deemed him too reckless to drive, but most of the time it was just inconvenient.

"The bus station? That's a ways from here. I'd be happy to give you a ride!"

Josh took a second to actually observe Mike, who was wearing a perfectly pressed white dress shirt and a striped red and white tie that looked like a candy cane. His face looked far older than it should have, but it was the smile that was plastered across it that really disturbed Josh.

Josh shook his head again, less vigorously this time. Everything was exhausting. "It's not that far, and it's Christmas Eve; I'm sure you have places to be."

Josh hadn't kept up with Mike over the years, but he did know that Mike had done time for shooting Emily. The court had called it voluntary manslaughter but only sentenced him to a few years due to the circumstances.

But Josh was sure that Mike had recovered from his stint in the clink with flying colors, because he was Michael-freaking-Munroe. Josh was sure Mike had places to go and people to spend time with on Christmas Eve, because no matter what he did, Michael Munroe was the kind of guy someone always cared about.

Josh wasn't that kind of guy.

"I'm just headed to my church's Christmas Eve service. It's really cool because they're letting me light the final Advent candle and say the blessing. I'm really early though, so it's seriously not a problem."

Of course they had chosen Mike to light the Advent candle (whatever that was) and say the blessing.

Josh wondered if the church knew about the time Mike had done, or what he had done to deserve that time. He doubted it. You don't become the class president by being a good guy; you become the class president by manipulating people into thinking you're a good guy.

"You're not gonna take no for an answer, are you?" Josh asked, already reaching for the door handle.

"I would," Mike said, watching as Josh got into his car, "but my Christmas spirit would be severely dampened."

"Wouldn't wanna dampen the spirit," Josh said wryly.

"So where are you headed?" Mike asked, pulling back into traffic.

"Canada," Josh said, opting to not straight-out lie to a church man, because that seemed like a bad thing for some reason. Not that it really mattered anymore.

"So that's why you're all bundled up. Canada's a long way to travel on Christmas Eve though, especially by bus. You probably won't get there until tomorrow night. You got family up there or something?"

"Yeah," Josh answered.

That wasn't a lie either. His sisters were up there somewhere. What was left of them, anyways.

"Your parents aren't going with you?"

"Nah, they don't really care about family."

Josh knew this was true because he was the only family they had left, and they obviously didn't care about him anymore.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Mike said, seemingly genuine. "So how have you been doing?"

Josh shook his head and stared out his window. "I know that's like, the polite or normal question to ask or whatever, but you should know that if you want a pleasant answer, I'm not the person to be asking that."

"If things aren't going well, you don't have to tell me about it. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. But if you did want to, I would listen."

Mike's understanding tone and general demeanor was throwing Josh for a loop.

This was the same guy who pranked Josh's little sister (leading to both of his sisters' deaths), shot his own ex-girlfriend in the head, and left Josh to rot in the mines, where he would have died if the rescue team hadn't found him.

Josh would have felt rage at that moment if he still had the capacity to feel something so strong.

Instead he asked humorlessly, "So, church? Don't tell me you were one of those guys who found God while you were in the big house."

Mike laughed loudly. "Hate to tell you, Josh, but I'm one of those guys. There were a lot of hours when it was just me and that little Bible. I learned a lot of things in prison. One of the biggest ones was forgiveness. I had to learn how to forgive other people, and even harder than that, I had to learn how to forgive myself."

"You… forgave yourself?" Josh asked, feeling the spite edging its way into his voice. "You kind of don't deserve that."

The smile faded from Mike's face, but then he said, "Yeah, you're right. I don't."

Josh started to clench and unclench his fist over and over again. It was a habit he had developed when it felt like the stress was taking up too much space in his head and needed to go elsewhere in his body. As an added bonus, the gesture looked threatening; it was one of the many subtle techniques he had for pushing people away.

Mike cleared his throat and then tentatively asked, "Josh… do you want to come to church with me?"

Josh looked sideways at him. Michael Munroe really _had_ lost his mind.

Mike added, "I mean, I know you're supposed to be going up to see your family in Canada, but it just seems kinda lonely to be spending most of Christmas Eve and Christmas alone on a bus."

"I won't be alone on the bus. I mean, hopefully the driver will be there too."

"You know what I mean. The people at my church are really kind and accepting. I think you'd like them. The service shouldn't last too long, and afterwards you can come to my place for dinner."

"Dinner? Like, with your family?"

"Well, no… my family cut ties with me a while ago."

Josh stopped clenching his hand, and it sat there in his lap, twitching slightly.

At least he and Mike had one thing in common: their families had disowned them.

And they both deserved it. So, two things in common.

"It'll just be me, a few neighbor friends, and my dog."

Josh tried to imagine himself in such a setting, and it played out in his mind like a cheesy Christmas film. Sitting at a wooden dining table with a handful of festively-dressed strangers, clinking glasses with Mike in an overemphatic toast to the holidays, pulling his knife through slices of baked ham and dropping some on the floor for Mike's dog to scoop up…

"No," Josh finally answered. "Gotta stick to the plan."

"Okay, fair enough," Mike said, though he did sound a little disappointed. "Well, you're always welcome at my place. Seriously, come over anytime."

"Honestly, man, I'm not gonna be able to take you up on that offer," Josh said.

Mike didn't reply at first, turning into the bus station and then pulling into an empty parking spot.

He put the car in park, and Josh took that as his cue to get out and get on his way.

"Wait," Mike said, grabbing Josh's by the arm when one foot was already out the door.

"What do you want?" Josh asked, intuitively knowing that this part of the conversation was coming and having wanted to avoid it.

"I know I don't deserve it, but…" Mike paused, seeming to be searching for words. "…do you think you could forgive me? For like, everything?"

"For what, Mike? What _exactly_ do you want me to forgive you for?" Josh asked icily, pushing Mike's hand away from him.

"For humiliating your sister-"

"Say her _name_."

"Hannah," Mike said, wincing. "For humiliating Hannah in front of all of our friends and taking advantage of how she felt about me, and for not going after her when she ran away."

"Is that it? Anything else you need my forgiveness for, Mikey boy?"

Mike took a deep breath before speaking again.

"For being part of something that took away the two people you loved the most and pretty much screwed up your whole life. For not being there for you after the incident and for not even trying to understand the hell you were going through. For leaving you down in the mines instead of trying to save you myself because I was too selfish and too big of a coward. I… I am so damn sorry, Josh. I was never there for you. I was the worst friend imaginable. Shit…"

Josh didn't look at Mike, but he sounded like he was about to cry.

That wasn't enough. Mike deserved so much worse than just a guilty conscience and a few spilled tears.

"A person who is never there for you isn't a friend. We were never friends," Josh said blankly, staring straight ahead.

"Maybe not," Mike admitted, frowning. "And I'm sorry for that too… because I missed out on you."

Josh looked at Mike like he was the biggest moron on the planet. "Wow, Mike, you are actually crazy. You are crazy as hell. And that's coming from me. And no, I won't forgive you. Even if I knew how to forgive you, I still wouldn't. But you enjoy your self-forgiveness and your sainthood status. I'm sure you're a hit with all the single ladies up at the church who are praying for God to give them a good, Christian man. I'm not like you though, never have been, and I'm taking my regrets and my grudges with me to the grave."

Mike's expression turned sympathetic, and Josh wanted to slap that look right off his face. "That's no way to live, Josh…"

"Believe me; I understand that way better than you ever will."

Mike sighed. "You know, I hoped you would forgive me, but I didn't expect it. And that's okay. I'm still sorry for everything, and I always will be."

Josh was sick of this conversation. "Good to know. We done here? I have a bus to catch."

"Yeah… I guess we're done."

"Goodbye," Josh said, and despite his anger, he still stumbled over the finality of that word.

Before he could think on it for too long, he shut the door roughly behind himself.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas," Mike muttered mostly to himself as he gripped the steering wheel.

"From now on your troubles will be miles away," Josh replied with a two-finger salute before walking away from Mike's car and out of Mike's life, toward the bus station and toward the nothingness he craved.

* * *

A/N: This fic will probably be 2 or 3 chapters long. The next chapter will most likely be up after the holidays, but I wanted to make sure this first chapter was up by Christmas Eve/Christmas. To spread the holiday cheer! Except this fic is really sad, oops. Sad enough that I had to take breaks while planning/writing it. But anyways, Religious!Mike and I would like to wish you a merry Christmas! Let me know what you think so far.


End file.
